A tribute to Turn the Radio Off turning 20 this year, which is crazy and makes me feel kinda old. And no I'm not selling out, my wife isn't leaving me for another girl, and nothing to do with beer. The song is "Everything Sucks." Now that's fairly melodramatic of me, but this is my space to vent, bitch, and complain if I want. So we're trying to sell a house, which is extremely stressful and sucks. The trailer on the family farm is becoming more and more expensive to make livable which we of course didn't plan on, and spending money on a temporary home where we were supposedly going to save money sucks. And we're confined in this tiny 2 bedroom box during the winter in a place we don't have outlets to go like the gym/pool, neighborhoods to walk around, and that's stressful causing everyone to be a little more on edge.....and that sucks.
And I'm well aware that my life is still better than 95% of those around the world, so to some extent I need to just suck it up. But one aspect that sucks that I really am struggling with is transitioning of schools. I feel I'm really struggling to "fit in" and move on from Northern. The people I work with are nice, I don't see eye to eye with some as far as methods and teaching practices, but it's nothing major. I've talked about some of the other challenges like going to block and the 1:1 stuff, and I have change up my routines from teaching AP World to just world history. But two things are really getting to me.
1) I feel I've lost an edge by losing AP. I watched John Green's TED Talk about learning and he used a great analogy comparing learning to cartography. AP World did that for me, it wasn't just the teaching, it was the learning for me as well. Bettering myself and finding a community and network that would really push me to be a better teacher, and also a better person. I've lost that somewhat. I don't have students with the same drive and curiosity and so I don't feel like I have that same push to be at my best. I'm settling a bit. I'm not sure this is a place or environment (even if I get a chance to teach AP again) that is going to offer me that same drive which is unsettling too. But it's tough, I feel I can too often just give assignments and sit back, and while it's easy to say just change how you do things, it's another thing to intrinsically motivate yourself to do it. Like I said, I'm settling too often I feel like, and I really don't like it. It's not fair to my kids even though they probably have no idea or clue.
2) I still too often think and worry about my students at Northern. And I know it's probably normal. And some may say, just move on; it's not that easy for me. With AP, I feel like you're selling the class to the students too. We grew that class by nearly 50 students and a lot of that came from the experiences my first crew had and my own sales pitch talking about how I was going to safely help all these students navigate one of the most challenging AP courses there is. And after half a year, I'm leaving. And I see them post stuff which I can only assume is about the class, and I get hints about how quickly (or not I fear) the class is moving and I'm extremely concerned and can't help but feel guilty. I gave the teacher all my stuff but it's not my class anymore even though I feel like I put my heart and soul into revamping it. And I love that some of my students still reach out to ask for help or just to say hi, but I wish I was there for them daily. I try not to compare Northern to here, but it's no contest really. Sure there are a couple things I like a bit more here, but all the things that mattered most don't even stack up. Most notably the connections I made with co-workers and my students. I hate I can't be senior advisors for some (although I still have one that may petition for that and I hope the school allows it) and I feel responsible when I see some of the frustrations my current crew has. I'm sure they posted negative things about me and the class when I taught it, but the frustrations I sense are tough because I feel helpless and responsible. I doubt this will get easier either until the year ends. I hope and pray that I never have to change schools midyear again, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment